Learning Lessons: The Little Girl and the Grown Ass Woman

“It is not the critic who counts; not the [woman] who points out how the strong [woman] stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the [woman] who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends herself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if she fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that her place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt

I am in the process of learning a deep lesson. A lesson, that perhaps, I have been learning for many years now. But I can feel it solidifying. I can feel it becoming a tangible part of my being. I can feel it penetrating even the darkest corners of my sense of self. And here is the simple truth of the lesson:

I want to lead my life with truth and transparency, always, and in doing so I trust that those who love me will hold space for me, my flaws, and my truth. And those who are incapable or unwilling to hold that space for me are not people that are supposed to be part of my path. And as long as I remain in a place of truth, and as long as I am willing to be my raw and vulnerable self, I can release myself from any fear of how others react. I am not responsible for other’s reactions and emotions.

The Story of a Little Girl and Grown Ass Woman

Relationships don't end because who we are isn't enough. Relationships end because we hold back the parts we think are unlovable and expect to be seen. How can someone truly love all of us, if we never show up? Journeying to the depths relationship takes courage. It requires that we move through our fear, our pride, our walls - and stand in our truth.

Sheleana Aiyana

As I grow older and learn more about myself, I become increasingly aware of the little girl that still lives within my heart and my spirit. Perhaps you have heard about the idea of our inner child? This idea that, there remains, within all of us an aspect of our childlike selves. And so, I am realizing that I have made decision in my life that were unknowingly, at the time, made from the fear of this little girl. This little girl inside of me is playful and loving and filled with laughter. But she is also wounded, deeply. She is carrying a great deal of shame, and that shame is directly connected with something much deeper. This little girl carries so much fear. Fear that she will be judged. Fear that she will be less than perfect. But most of all, a fear that she will be left, abandoned. And this, more than anything, will confirm her deepest fear, that she is not worthy of love.

It is my belief that we all have this little child within our bodies, our spirits and our hearts. And we all carry this wound, the deep sense of fear and unworthiness. And of course, this wound manifests in vastly different ways for all of us. But there is no hope in every healing if we do not acknowledge this inner child.

And so, I made a really shitty decision. A decision made out of fear of abandonment and being deemed unworthy. And I have realized it was a decision made from the wounded little girl inside of my spirit. And what do we do when children do something wrong? Do we lecture them? Do we tell them they are wrong? Do we punish them for stepping out of line? I am not satisfied with these options. No wound ever healed from creating another one. No problem solved by deepening the pain. So, here is what I am doing. I am holding that little girl. I am wrapping my arms tightly around her little body. I am stroking her hair and pressing her tears into the soft skin of my chest. And I am saying, over and over again – you are not alone, you are never abandoned, you are safe, you are held, you are worthy, you are love.

If we cannot learn to love the child that lives within our spirit and soul, how can we ever hope to love our own children? We create tiny humans and ensure that they are always safe, always rested, fed, loved, and held. And yet we don’t seem to know how to do this for ourselves. So, I am learning to care for this little girl. I am learning to nourish her. To create a safe space for her. After all, when the little girl inside of me is the one making decisions from a place of fear, the grown ass woman in me must be accountable. And let me tell you, the grown ass woman in me is exhausted with picking up the mess this little girl makes. The grown ass woman in me wants to lead a noble life, an honorable life. I want to love myself and my inner child so fiercely that I never again make a decision from a place of fear. I want my love for myself to be unrelenting. And it that, I will learn to love others more fully.

The Larger Lesson

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, I can change.

Carol Rogers

I am a daydreamer. I think if Daydreamers Anonymous existed, I would be their star client. I could lose myself for hours on end imaging paths my life could take, playing our scenarios in my mind, having full conversations in my head. And sure, this has some aspect of visualization to it, but I think I may take it a bit too far from time to time.

When we are in the process of learning a lesson or dealing with something challenging, especially when that has to do with being our most authentic selves, it is quite natural for us to imagine how the scenario might play out. How will our truth be heard? We seem to forget every single time that we learn one of these lessons that the catharsis does not come from relentlessly worrying about how someone will react. The catharsis comes when we acknowledge that this lesson is much great, much bigger than any one scenario.

The other day, I sat staring at my laptop screen. I had just put into words an incredibly difficult truth that I knew intuitively I needed to tell. And as I sat there, I caught my mind spinning at a breakneck pace about how this might turn out. What would they say? What would they think? How will this cause them pain? How will this affect the perfectly curated daydreams I so desperately love to indulge in? What comes next?

And then, as if smacked across the face, I realized – this is so much bigger than any one circumstance. This is so much more. I can choose to live my life small, having to relearn the same lessons over and over again. Or I can choose to live my life big, enormous even. Learning lessons and applying them to the entire vision of my life, how I want to live every single day and every single moment. How limitless we become when we make space for these lessons to grow and fill us up. If we choose to live our lives and our lessons this way, we stop repeating the same cycles. We stop moving through the same muddy waters. Imagine how much more we would grow if we stopped repeating the same mistakes? When we choose to step into our lives, we begin to live honorably. We become, as a dear friend of mine used to say, precision instruments. When we release ourselves from shame and fear, light shines on the darkest parts of ourselves, and we no longer live in the shadow of fear. When we choose to do the work, the Universe listens. When we choose to be vulnerable, we become limitless.