100 Days Down: Daydreams, Determination, and (some) Diarrhea

It is Tuesday afternoon. The sun has cast itself against the banana tree – mgomba – and the shadows of their leaves dance on the white concrete house. As I open the window, the wind comes in, drying the tears on my cheeks. I lick the side of my lips and taste the salt; the ocean inside my body. I am in open waters now. There is a discomfort in everything about this experience. And, perhaps, that is exactly why I chose to come to this place, to do this work. I knew that, given the opportunity, I would push myself to discover my edges. Once I became aware of those edges, I would surely push past all boundaries and all curtains would be lifted. Who am I when left alone to my own thoughts for hours on end? What kind of life am I cultivating?

I spend a great deal of time considering what may come in the future. I realized in the last month that I am currently in the process of an essential learning for my life. I am learning the difference between productive visualization and unproductive daydreaming. As someone who connects very deeply with my astrology, I have always known that I am prone to daydreaming. This is an essential trait of Pisces, and yet it has always been my belief that astrology is meant to cause reflection and change. How can I see both the benefits and pitfalls of certain traits that live within me? I am aware that my ability to daydream the day away is a double-edged sword.

In many ways, I believe that I used visualization to manifest my current situation, being in the Peace Corps. I spent the last seven months before I left the States thinking about what Tanzania would be like. What would it smell like? What would the people be like? What kinds of colors would paint themselves across the sky? Would I be happy there? Now, I am here. And I am almost embarrassed to confess how much time I spend thinking about what will be happening in two years’ time. The most interesting thing is that there is a strange dichotomy here. All at once I am utterly present in every single moment, I have never felt such presences in my whole life. And yet, at the same time, I find my mind wandering to faraway lands, to people living back in the States, to lives moving forward, to possibilities for the next step on my path. And there is something productive here, I know this. But there are times my heart becomes quite heavy with the what if of it all.

And so, I write. I cry. I dance. I sing. I pray. And I believe that with the passing of each glorious sun, I will connect deeper, coming closer to myself, my heart, and to my deep-seeded Truth. Every single day I am in awe of this place and my ability to immersive myself here.

Yesterday I returned to Mvaa after four days away. People greeting me with welcoming arms, handshakes and tribal greetings. I felt something settling inside of me with each step towards my home. I have only just begun to make a home here, and yet, already, I feel deeply connected to this place and these people. I can only imagine, literally, what it will be like in two years’ time.